It has been a long time since I cried myself to sleep at night, apart from last week when someone said something derogatory about my physical appearance at a party and I felt totally and utterly devastated. Isn’t it strange, one million people can say something complimentary about you and all it takes is one person to say something negative and it can knock you for six. It does me anyway! I am a girl though 🙂
Last night I went to bed and shed a little tear before I drifted off but, for one simple reason: I wanted my Dad. I may be 34 and have my own children and my own life but, when I have had a bad day, I just want my Dad! I don’t like to feel sorry for myself, in the same way that I don’t want to let the death of my parents define me but, things get on top of me easily.
Particularly at the moment. When I feel stressed, everything is that little bit more defined and each little thing seems so much more difficult: having to call someone, having to do a job in a certain time frame. Yesterday was horrible. My poor little car which I love, failed its MOT in a gargantuan style. £1000 to repair when it cost three quarters of that to buy initially. So, I now have no car and two children to deposit and pick up from school and nursery. Oh, and no blinkin money!
Sounds crazy to say but, I still hope and pray (and kind of wait) for some kind of miracle. Like I am sure in my heart that really everything will be ok and that someone is looking over me and would make something amazing happen. It’s strange that I think this way given the history of my past but, I still wait for it. I wait for it every day. Perhaps I should give up, concentrate on sorting thing practically, like making sure I can pay my mortgage and stop waiting for a miracle. I’m scared that if I ever stop feeling this way, I won’t have something to look forward to. At the same time however, I also feel that the universe is out to get me. Over just a car? The car is one thing in a long line and my resources now are really depleted and I don’t know what to do to pick myself up.
I know I am struggling at the moment because yesterday, I had a really bad panic attack. In Waitrose. The first I have had in ages (as you know). I grabbed a load of things I thought would suffice for my fridge and escaped. It terrifies me that I will never really completely get over the panic attacks and in times that are difficult or stressful, I will always be susceptible to them. That I will never be fixed. It does, however, make me feel better that I can meet with my counsellor and talk about it and she won’t judge me. In fact it is making me feel better already!
On a totally unrelated note, this week, thanks to my gorgeous man, I have also just discovered 24! Tis blinking brilliant it is too! Although, I am not sure it is the cheerful and upbeat content I require to lift me out of this current funk. I know! That was very random but, I wanted you to know 🙂
I just miss my Dad.